the power of a mother's love

went to visit my mother last week. good news is, she's home, discharged from the hospital. alhamdulillah. she's stable. better condition but she's still the same person.... quiet and downhearted. i know, i can tell. sigh.. well i tried to talk to her, as per advised by the doctor. she's lonely and sad but she can't tell. she can't tell because she can't talk. she can't talk because she had tracheostomy operation last few months. so now she has this breathing tube made in her throat to help her breathing well without the help of the ventilator and also caused her inability to eat and speak. 

OK. so, while giving her a massage, i came out with this conversation:

Me: mak... lenguh kaki ka?
Mom: *she nodded her head*
Me: ok... atie urut na.. emm atie baca Al-Fatihah boleh tak? kuat-kuat.
Mom: "she nodded immediately* 
Me: *massaging and reciting al-fatihah*
Me: ok.. atie baca "qulhuallah" nak? 
Mom: *staring at the wall* 
Me: *done reciting* emmm atie selawat nak?
Mom: * nodded her head*
Me: * selawat*

ok this time around, i was a bit surprised. i saw this..

Mom: *she recited along with her lips*
Me: *I kept reciting, i was STUNNED and my eyes began to fill with tears....*
Mom: *her eyes were also teary a bit..*

OK. i was terribly saddened by her actions. How i wish mom... how i wish you could be that person again.. the bubbly and cheerful mom.. Remember you taught me to recite surah Yassin, mom? You would scold me if I got it wrong.. you corrected my solat.. you recited surah Yassin to me when i was sick to death 5 years ago.. you bathed me and fed me. I thought i was going to die.. but you convinced me that I wouldn't. and i was very determined that i had to hold on.. i had to keep strong. and... i survived. 

And mom.. you were not good at throwing words. at throwing words of encouragement. but hey, i understood each of them. because your actions spoke louder. same goes to me, mom... i may not be able to put all those sweet words together but i can show you how.. just like how you did to me. you are a great mother, indeed. i hope i'm a great daughter too..

i love you mom. from the bottom of my heart, for sure. 

till then,
Atie

tranformation

Talked to Noreen just now. 

I asked her to be my wardrobe adviser. haha! simply because i want to look neat and clean. so i let her know what i wanted to be :

1. a young woman with her long sleeve shirt and a plain jeans / a denim skirt

2. a fresh woman with minimal make up 

and she's ready whenever i am! ;)

till then,

Atie

angan tak sudah

she asked about my mother.
she did.

i felt awkward. but i responded naturally. told a bit and changed the subject neatly. 
people change. i know. but i'm not sure how far she has changed. or maybe changing.. 

on the other hand, maybe i'm asking too much. i don't know. all i know, i felt weird. i hope it wont stay. 

i also have another interesting thing that is happening. to me, at least. i find it quite interesting. OK, a wise woman who is very affectionate, also a mother who is very attentive to my matters, a person who knows how to twist my anger, my frustrations to a warm smile. all i know, whenever i talk to her, i feel like i'm talking to a mother. i feel real. i feel appreciated. i feel calm. she is my second diary after my husband. but now, i think i need to take a step back. because i think I've shared too much. i shouldn't have done that. because it is not her job, to catch me every time i fall.  i don't have to mention her name here.

because i prefer that to be unseen 

love,
Atie